Shaken, not stirred



 There's a new bump on my hand. A tiny little red mole between my pointer and my thumb. It's been there for a while but I didn't notice it really until now. It's annoyed me, it's stared me down at the computer, but only today I acknowledged it. Does this resonate?

The cool thing about yourself is that you never really know you all the way. I thought I knew myself, then I found out I didn't, and since then I've been growing to know myself as an adult. It's pretty early on still, but I know that I still am learning who I am and what I think. Slowly, things have changed. 

I learned the other day that I am socially anxious. Another little red thing I knew but never acknowledged. Big crowds and familiar faces. Those things make me sweat and shake. Literally shake. I bartended a wedding a month and a half ago, and the guest list was extensive; spanning three of my old employers to an ex girlfriend and her husband, all the way to old party friends and gym bros who I fell apart from. And in a past life, I asked the bride for her number; she was with someone at the time, but I got the number anyways. She married someone else, and I'm on my way to the same fortune. 

I had to take a breather after giving someone a G&T shaken instead of stirred. I was a mess, and during a breather, I realized it. Social anxiety stared me in the face and I spat. "Why the fuck does it matter, anyways?" I asked myself out in the cold by a repurposed whiskey barrel. "Why am I so anxious?" I took a few deep breaths and let my realization set in. I returned with a smile and the nerves subsided in the snow. I had a pretty good evening, all things considered. 

(Most of the people who I was worried about left after the ceremony anyways)

I was in Chicago two weeks ago for the holidays and we went to city hall and my father's homeless shelter and a Christmas party for a company I don't work at, and I had no anxiety around those people. Big crowds in all scenarios. It was contradictory to what I thought I knew about myself. I was fine, I was floating and vibrant, but then someone I used to know showed up. I was struck with nerves and I shrank. My fingers shook again and sweating profusely. My fiance said I looked ill. 

In the car home, I started questioning myself. Is social anxiety what I have? Is it actually social anxiety, or is it interpersonal anxiety? I don't feel any type of way around people I don't know, but if there are people I do know, I feel anxious. Is that the same as social anxiety? There's a balloon in my throat that chokes me when I know a bunch of people in a room. 

Then it hit me. Maybe that's why I have anxiety in my small town. I don't know how to act anymore because I know so many people. Everywhere I go, there is a face from some point in my life. An old coworker, a lost friend. Someone I helped one time at the insurance place. An ex. There are faces everywhere that I don't associate with anymore, and they're all stressing me out!  

I look at the mole on the back of my hand the way I look at this problem. It's been there for a long time but only recently I acknowledged it. Are moles supposed to get checked out? Are they supposed to be snipped? 

Perhaps yes, and perhaps knowing there's an issue will bring me to a resolution. While I'd like to say hasta-luego to everyone I used to know, I'm not moving nor am I becoming a hermit just because I get sweaty when I see an old friend. Avoidance is the least helpful solution to the problem, so solving it will be this year's puzzle. 

For now, I say this to those who this might resonate with;

Breathe, slow down, and look the people you know in the eyes. And if you shake, shake their hand. Watch out for moles as you age; sometimes, they've been there for a while. You just didn't see them in the right lighting. 

All with love, 

C. A. Winter

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