C. A. Winter Blog

Go on, get out there. Do your thing, make that piece. Start a project, eat some cake, have some fun. Stop worrying about all that shit going on over there and take hold of your life. YOUR LIFE! You only have one shot at this, so why are you spending it trying to fit into some stupid box? Why are you holding that damned phone so close to your face? Pick up a pencil, grab a brush, snag a ream of paper. Turn the mind off and let the brain do the talking. And for god's sake take your tongue off the roof of your mouth!  I'm so so so so so so so so so sick of- SO FUCKING SICK OF- hearing people tell me just how much they really want to do the thing they like to do. All i hear is moaning and groaning about how much you people WANT to do something.   Wahhh I want to write. Wahhhh I don't play the guitar as much as I like. Waahhh I'm single and I don't get out at all. Wahh whahhhhahahahahah  DO IT! JUST DO IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! YOU"RE IN YOUR TWEN...

 I ought to go to bed, but nothing great has ever happened on the basis of ought to. Want to is where it all begins, and I want to write.  I read The Grownup by Gillian Flynn today. I found it at Forest Books and Media for a whopping $4.44 after tax. Hardcover, mint condition. I saved money today by doing this, and for that I am grateful. I'm a big fan of Flynn's, and I must say this short story was a let down. If the story was written BEFORE her works (Sharp Objects, Dark Places, Gone Girl), then I would understand it a bit more, however it wasn't so I don't. It feels like something anyone could have written. The most interesting part of the story was not the story at all, rather the details of the character. It has her classic unmistakeable thumbprints all over it, yet it falls short of great at every moment. I called the 'twist' from the get go, and then was annoyed when I was right, and annoyed when she tried to twist the twist, then twist the twist again. I...

The other Chase Winter I'm just kinda bitchin' again. This time it's a bit later than last. This is again a brain to finger to screen type beat, only this time my brain is totally dead.  What did I do today? Well, I woke up at my regular time and went to buy groceries so I could make a big ole beef roast. I cooked it for five hours in the oven. Around three in the afternoon, my stomach grumbled like a volcano so I decided to make some rice while I waited. The rice turned out well. During all of this, I've been reading and editing my book. I have pen marks on my ears and sticky notes glued to every other page in the book. I'm glad I bought a new red pen for this; my other one wouldn't have made it past chapter one.  It's an odd thing to look back at the beginning of a project. I don't know how most people write, but I try to stay in a chronological order for the most part. I write the beginning, then I work through it to the end. If I get stuck on a scene...

This unfiltered thought is a stream of data straight from my mind. I don't want to use punctuation because it feels like some kind of end to a means but to make it better for you, I'm keeping the periods and the commas and the other shit all right where it should be. I haven't even looked at the screen yet. I just want to see where this goes. I might even leave this unedited, so if you see some typos, I apologize. I suppose I am just trying to loosen up the brain and free up some space before I go to bed. I am hoping to dream. I really want to have some kind of weird bothersome dream that makes my day tomorrow a little harder. Have you ever had a dream that sticks with you for a day or two? the kind you can't quite let go of? It's such a profound experience to have your core shaken by your own subconscious. God I hope I spelled that word right. I have trouble spelling that one, for whatever reason. No matter how many times I write it, it seems to either be wrong or ...

 The One Chapter Project In the summer of 2022, I was gifted a laptop on my birthday for the intention of learning how to code. I bought a collection of books on the subject, was working through an online course, and had full intention of that to become my career. Then the AI came.  I saw right aways that learning how to code in this economy might not be the strongest pull towards a meaningful career- especially not as someone who was into their twenties and wasn't gifted in mathematics or computer science to begin with. It was a pipe dream, and the smoke vanished in the wind. So I took up a job at an insurance agency, and called it good.  The laptop sat on my dresser for a few months and the silver finish greyed with dust.  I used to paint in my old apartment. There were linoleum floors and lots of room to spread out in. Pictures of skulls and faces and landscapes hung around my bedroom and living room. Since I'd moved to a different apartment, I didn't have space t...

I finished reading "Normal People" by Sally Rooney this week. What a treat. The book revolves around a relationship between Marianne Sheridan and Connell Waldron; two broken and confused college students just trying to figure what life is all about. On the surface, I thought the book was about their relationship, but after some thought I believe it's less about their relationship and more about them as individuals. Or about individuals in general.  To sum the characters up, Connell is an anxious but well treated boy from a poor family, and Marianne is an anxious and mistreated girl from a rich family. Neither of them have fathers, both of them are highly intelligent, and at varying degrees they both don't know what's best for themselves. Sabotage, communication issues, anxiety and depression, and any other regular human problems that two undeveloped people face together all come to light between them. This is what makes them normal people, despite the author's...

 Good evening, however. I regret to inform you that it is in fact the morning, not the evening. At the time I am writing this, it is 4:18am on Tuesday the 11th of November. 11/11/25. That number feels significant in some way, but then again we have one just like it every year. I digress. In my un-slept state, I decided it might be in my best interest to take this time to do some light journaling while the blood brain barrier is thin with exhaustion. I am exhausted, but I am restless, and I cannot sleep for the life of me. Nothing I've tried works; hot tea, cold water, quick bath, bathroom trip, anxiety medication, nothing. I've laid with my head on the once cold side of a pillow and tossed it around to experience the chilled silk sheets once more but still I cannot sleep. I tried taking a walk around my house but the 1250 square feet don't make for much of a walking path since almost half of is it is the master bedroom where my fiance lays peacefully and unbothered by my a...